Friday, April 15, 2011

The mind, the heart, the thoughts....

I am so apprensive to put anything in writing.....!  My mother always told me not to put anything in writing b/c once you do, it's out there, you can't take it back....you can't deny that you wrote it and it is what it is....

But, sometimes, writing is a means of expressing yourself when there is no other way to express yourself.....spoken words sometimes don't help.....who is really listening....?! Probably no one!  So the written word is sometimes your only outlet....the outlet that allows you to escape and yet remember....or maybe even it's a way to help you forget...?!  I don't know, I just don't know..!

Our mind plays horrible tricks on us, yet it is the one thing we hope we never lose...our ability to think, function, exist and yes, remember....and also forget, if we choose to allow ourselves to forget instead of not having control over what we remember and what we don't.  So, although our mind can sometimes be our worst enemy, without it.....we would be completely lost.

Our mind lets us go to places we either dream of and hope to someday go to, or it allows us to go back to places we once were, wishing that we were still there!  It is a beautiful thing...it really is.  But in so much as we love to "remember" and just "go back" to relive the moments....allowing ourselves to do this can sometimes cause pain that at times can be unbearable..!  Would we change the past, sometimes we say we would like to, but it is our past that makes us what we will or won't be in the future and we have to live with that and somehow be able to come to terms with what our mind remembers.  Is this possible?  I don't have the answer for that....sometimes, I wish I did....like right now!

The mind, the heart, our thoughts, our feelings it all goes hand in hand..!  It seems at times to be a wonderful friend...and at others, it seems to be your worst enemy and you wish you could just turn it off for a little bit....stop the hurt....stop the pain....stop the cycle....!  But, do we really want to do this?  I don't think so...!  Feeling these emotions makes you alive and let's you know you aren't dead...even though at times, the pain is unbearable and you might not wish you were dead (b/c that is pretty final), but you do wish the pain would just go away.......

How do we come to terms with things in life..?!  How do we cope?  Do we use medication....sometimes yes...but is that really a solution....?  There are those that will argue yes, the body sometimes needs to be re-balanced chemically....and I won't argue that....!  I've resorted to it at times..!  But by fixing the chemical imbalance that we might have with medication, is that really fixing the issue, or is it just a band-aid to the problem?  It's a band-aid b/c the hurt, the problem, the confusion never goes away.....it's still there, only it is masked and made tolerable.

How do you fix your heart??  How do you fix the pain?  Is there really a way to do that..?!  I don't think so.  Do you shut yourself down completely and become void of emotions?  Sometimes I think that is the best thing to do...!  Do you become numb, hollow or even empty.....possibly.  However, when you do this, you become a shell of a person and that isn't the answer either..!  The say that it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved before.....I believe that this is true...!  But when you have lost that love, the pain that comes with it is unbearable at times.....so unbearable.....I don't like it.

I am fortunate to have loved more deeply than I could myself ever have imagined..!  It was a safe place to be..a comfortable place, a warm place a place, it was wonderful and beyond words....I never wanted to leave that comfort....!  And, although my heart will always have the love in it, for several reasons, complicated as they are, I will never be able to be have it....but I once did....and it was fabulous.  And through the all the pain and all the tears that accompanied this love....I wouldn't trade it for the world..!!  It was that good!!!