The mind, the heart, the thoughts....

I am so apprensive to put anything in writing.....!  My mother always told me not to put anything in writing b/c once you do, it's out there, you can't take it back....you can't deny that you wrote it and it is what it is....

But, sometimes, writing is a means of expressing yourself when there is no other way to express yourself.....spoken words sometimes don't help.....who is really listening....?! Probably no one!  So the written word is sometimes your only outlet....the outlet that allows you to escape and yet remember....or maybe even it's a way to help you forget...?!  I don't know, I just don't know..!

Our mind plays horrible tricks on us, yet it is the one thing we hope we never lose...our ability to think, function, exist and yes, remember....and also forget, if we choose to allow ourselves to forget instead of not having control over what we remember and what we don't.  So, although our mind can sometimes be our worst enemy, without it.....we would be completely lost.

Our mind lets us go to places we either dream of and hope to someday go to, or it allows us to go back to places we once were, wishing that we were still there!  It is a beautiful thing...it really is.  But in so much as we love to "remember" and just "go back" to relive the moments....allowing ourselves to do this can sometimes cause pain that at times can be unbearable..!  Would we change the past, sometimes we say we would like to, but it is our past that makes us what we will or won't be in the future and we have to live with that and somehow be able to come to terms with what our mind remembers.  Is this possible?  I don't have the answer for that....sometimes, I wish I did....like right now!

The mind, the heart, our thoughts, our feelings it all goes hand in hand..!  It seems at times to be a wonderful friend...and at others, it seems to be your worst enemy and you wish you could just turn it off for a little bit....stop the hurt....stop the pain....stop the cycle....!  But, do we really want to do this?  I don't think so...!  Feeling these emotions makes you alive and let's you know you aren't dead...even though at times, the pain is unbearable and you might not wish you were dead (b/c that is pretty final), but you do wish the pain would just go away.......

How do we come to terms with things in life..?!  How do we cope?  Do we use medication....sometimes yes...but is that really a solution....?  There are those that will argue yes, the body sometimes needs to be re-balanced chemically....and I won't argue that....!  I've resorted to it at times..!  But by fixing the chemical imbalance that we might have with medication, is that really fixing the issue, or is it just a band-aid to the problem?  It's a band-aid b/c the hurt, the problem, the confusion never goes away.....it's still there, only it is masked and made tolerable.

How do you fix your heart??  How do you fix the pain?  Is there really a way to do that..?!  I don't think so.  Do you shut yourself down completely and become void of emotions?  Sometimes I think that is the best thing to do...!  Do you become numb, hollow or even empty.....possibly.  However, when you do this, you become a shell of a person and that isn't the answer either..!  The say that it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved before.....I believe that this is true...!  But when you have lost that love, the pain that comes with it is unbearable at times.....so unbearable.....I don't like it.

I am fortunate to have loved more deeply than I could myself ever have imagined..!  It was a safe place to be..a comfortable place, a warm place a place, it was wonderful and beyond words....I never wanted to leave that comfort....!  And, although my heart will always have the love in it, for several reasons, complicated as they are, I will never be able to be have it....but I once did....and it was fabulous.  And through the all the pain and all the tears that accompanied this love....I wouldn't trade it for the world..!!  It was that good!!!

New Year's Eve......2010

Hmmmm, that is about all I can say about that.....hmmmm!

Em left about an hour ago to go to Shannon's.  I am glad that she is there and with her friends.  I am sure she will have a good time.  I should have gone, but me, being me, was already in sweats, not ready to go anywhere.....so I stayed home......pitiful isn't it????  I don't know though....would I have really been good company???  I can't answer that.....it's all kind of funky really and no rhyme or reason to any of it.....!!!!  Sad isn't it?

So, here I sit, 11:54 New Year's Eve......eating Godiva chocolate (yummy comfort food).....and pondering pouring out my thoughts on this blog.....a blog that potentially someone, anyone or one specific person could read......and do I want my thoughts, feelings, etc., known?  No, honestly, not really....but then aren't we told  that "writing things down" is very therapeutic....something that is a good release....!!!  So then, the introduction of a blog....where we can write, think, philosophize, cry, ponder and anything else you can think of.....and in this, we can completely be ourselves...or be ourselves, but for the sake of privacy, should we want to tell specifics, anonymous names can be used.....to hide those we want "release"from......quite a funny thought if broken down and analyzed....!  Maybe, or maybe not.....depends on the person I guess.

11:59.....almost a New Year....the countdown is on......seconds remain.....literally and a new year will be upon us......what will the new year bring?  Do we know....do we care.....of course we care....Happy New Year Everyone.....!!!!!  2011 is here.....I hope it is a great new year.....out with the old and in with the new, right????

I think that is all I am going to say tonight.  New Year's texts are coming in....no more phone calls and busy signals.....nope, those days are gone...instant messages, texts, skype, Facebook, E-mail.....it's all changing so fast.....

Good night......Happy New Year!!!!!

The Cath lab.....

How scary it is....to be sitting in the cardiac cath lab waiting ... while your dad is having stents placed in his veins...!!!!  There he is.....helpless and in the hands of doctors that we put all of our trust in.  Did they get a good night's sleep last night?  Did they argue with their spouse before they left for work this morning...?!  What kind of personal problem are they having today and are they able to "shelve" it while they work on my dad.....one of the most important people in my life...!!!  Are they able to completely focus on their job at hand and make my dad better...!?!? One can only hope...I hope they can.

Mom and Kristopher are here...!  Mom is reading and Kristopher is on his laptop doing....surfin "You Tube" right now, listening to various artists that he is pulling up....!!!  Thanks to Kristopher, I now have a twitter....LOL!  What will I do with that..?! Will I even utilize it....or will I even forget that I have it...!!!  Either one of those scenarios is a possibility...LOL!  But I am getting more "tech savy" .... or at least I would like to think I am...!!! HA!

I think I am going to get some coffee....coffee sounds good while I am waiting on the doctor/nurses to tell me my dad is OK.......

I have a blog......

OK......I have a blog.  I don't really know why I have a blog or actually what to do with it now that I have it.  I have read other blogs and thought to myself, "it would really be nice to be able to express myself like that.....or wouldn't it be nice to have a place to go to just talk....talk to nothingness really and just vent to the unknown"  The unknown has always stopped me....!!!  Once you put something in writing....out there for the world to see, it can't be taken back.....it can't be erased...!  Especially now living in the world of instant gratification....."cut and paste".......the world of "the Internet"....!!!  But, what the heck......it might be nice to just have a place to go to....a place that is mine.....a place to vent....a place to cry.....a place to ramble.....just a place....a place that is mine..!!!!

Now, the question is....in my limited knowledge of the computer.....will I be able to figure all of this out, or will my limited knowledge get the best of me and out of embarrassment, I will forgo the blog b/c I just couldn't figure it out...!!!!  I guess time will tell on this one..!

But, if I continue with this, I am sure the ramblings I come up with will be a release for me.....a place to go just to "get it off my chest".  Is this a good thing..?!  Part of me thinks, no, probably not...!!  And then part of me thinks.....well, it is cheaper than therapy...LOL!  However, once again with a therapist, it is all confidential.......in this blog, I am putting it out there for the world to see....and that is pretty scary!

So, it is Sunday morning and it is a beautiful fall morning..!!!  I am enjoying my first cup of coffee and contemplating the day ahead..!!!  Things to do, places to be and the regular Sunday morning ritual......

I guess it begins then......I have a blog.........